Blog #11: It’s Ok To Feel Sad.
Hey friends, I’m writing to you this week on a really personal note. Life hasn’t been as perfect as we portray online recently, and I need to get this out of my system.
In a lot of ways, my life is incredible. And for the most part, it is. I have an amazing husband, a passion I am driven by, a cat who loves me unconditionally, I’ve got my health, my endearing friends and family… ah, family. I’m getting to the age where my family members, specifically my grandparents, are getting… old. Much older.
At 25 years old, I’ve got 2 living grandparents left. Grandad on my mom’s side was the first grandparent to leave us, he lost his cancer battle in 2017. I was sent an “I’m so sorry for your loss” text at my college orientation as I was scheduling my first semester classes from the next grandparent to go, Mama, who is my grandma on my dad’s side. She passed away incredibly suddenly about 5 days after I got home from India, and I woke up quite early to a call from my mom saying she had died. So, now I’m down to 2. Nana, who is my mom’s mom, and Papa, who is my dad’s dad.
As I’m writing this I’m in a coffee shop in Indianapolis, sipping my iced vanilla latte and watching Suketu edit our merch photos from yesterday. I can start to feel my heart pounding a little bit heavier with each paragraph I’m writing, and the teeniest bit of water glazing over my eyes. Even though it’s been 7 years, or almost 2 years, this still hits a bit deeper than I ever care to admit. It’s not easy for me to talk about my loved ones no longer being here on this earth. I’m terrible at not getting too emotionally attached. I feel everything so deeply in my own heart it doesn’t leave room for the logic in my brain. I know my grandpa is better off not battling cancer anymore after the 2nd time, but my heart sinks every time I think about how much I miss him. And this is painful for me, rethinking, and reliving the past this fine Sunday afternoon.
With all this being said, Nana, is um… struggling, a lot. She’s 86, and she has dementia, bad.
If you don’t know what dementia is, it’s basically one of the worst f*cking diagnoses that isn’t cancer. It causes incremental cognitive decline, leaving whomever has it helpless and lost most of the time. It hinders the ability to think, do, reason, and remember anything. It’s like a gradual decline, then all at once things go to sh*t. (I’m bleeping these words out bc I’m family friendly, sort of).
I won’t go into details, but this has been hard on me and my family to say the least. I say it’s bad for me, but my parents are the ones who are really going through it. My mother loves her own mother so much that she is primarily the one taking care of my grandma right now, and I don’t know how she’s doing it and holding it all together. She is so strong, such a hero in my eyes. Her and my dad are caring for Nana, and keeping her alive out of true and unconditional love. I don’t know who needs to hear this, well I guess those who know someone in a memory care facility, but patients in facilities like that are treated terribly. I can say this because I watched my great grandmother go through the same exact thing. Some of my earliest memories were visiting here in the nursing home where she lived because she had rapid dementia. I remember sitting on the foot of her bed, making a hippopotamus out of Play Doh and watching The Hulk in her teenie tiny TV in her room that she shared with another memory care patient. My parents are going to take care of her at home as long as they possibly can.
Nana’s current medical state is hindering a lot right now: she can’t be left alone, she follows my mom everywhere, she can’t dress herself, she doesn’t know how to make or get food herself… when someone’s dementia is this far along, it’s as if you’re taking care of a child.
As an adult, I see and understand that other adults, my parents for example, are living their life for the first time too. They are doing the best they can with what they have, and so am I. I think what is the most difficult part of all of this is seeing my grandma’s memory fade into nothing. She doesn’t even know who we are some days, and after spending a lifetime with someone, I cannot describe the amount of hurt you feel when someone can no longer remember you, when I have a whole lifetime of memories with her.
The stress this is putting on my parents. How that is impacting them and their own lives. The mood. The sadness. All the time. The hurt everyone is feeling right now because things are just hard. I don’t know if anyone reading relates to this, but this weekend, although amazing, was a bit heavy. I want to be there for my parents, for my mom. I love them so much. But I don’t know how to be there right now other than texting and calling and visiting when I can. I feel guilty for not doing more, and I’m taking it out on myself.
If anyone reading this relates to the hurt, just know that you aren’t alone. I’ve been there before, and I’m here now. We can do this, and it will get better, eventually. And I’m learning that it’s ok to feel sad, to feel hurt, because it teaches you to deal with the pain you’re feeling and do something with it. To really feel something, and know that it eventually won’t hurt anymore. I love you so much Nana, mom, dad… you’re amazing and I wouldn’t be where I am without you and your wonderful hearts.
I’ll see you next week, Half Past Crew. Thank you for your endless amount of support and kindness that I always get and feel from you. It means the absolute world to Suketu and I. We love you so very much <3
