Blog #16: I Don’t Know What I Want With My Life.

Guys! It’s Sunday???? Wow. Last week was pure insanity and I had 0 time to write a blog post because we were in a wedding out of state, but I’M BACK THIS WEEK B*TCHES. Last time Suketu wrote the blog post and I loved it. I think it was about cheating in school or something like that. A lot has happened since then 😅

Let me just cut straight to the point: I DON’T KNOW WHAT I WANT WITH MY LIFE. Why didn’t anyone tell me life is really confusing and only gets worse as you get older? Do you agree? Is life hard? Help.

I feel this way often. I’m confused about what I want to do job-wise, where I want to live, when I want kids, what I want out of my life in 5-10 years, what my purpose is… it might not seem like “a lot” of confusion per say, but when you don’t know ANY of these things, let alone ALL of them… life can feel daunting. I feel lost. And I only see my time ticking away with each passing year that I’m not chasing what I want.

Speaking of, my birthday is coming up. I hate my birthday. I have only grown less fond of it each year as I’ve gotten older. My birthday is none other than Christmas Eve. You might be thinking, that sounds SO fun! Oh, to have a Christmas birthday! WRONG. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Don’t come for me, it’s probably one of the worst birthdays to have. Maybe Thanksgiving would be bad? Or even Valentine’s Day? Or Arbor Day? I don’t know, but I hate my birthday. Everyone forgets, and not that I need the attention, but my birthday always gets mixed in with Christmas and the only people who made me feel special were my parents, lol. Now, I have a husband who loves Christmas time and my birthday, which is nice.

Is this a continuation of my quarter-life crisis? I’m 25 and I feel like I’m wasting so much time not having things figured out. There’s a quote, or something I read somewhere, or heard on a podcast that discussed something similar to how I feel. Now I don’t remember what it said word for word, but basically it said something about how yeah it’s nice to have a billion dollars and be very successful when you’re old, but you only are young once, as you will NEVER get your time back. Do you see what I’m getting at? I feel as if I am slacking because I don’t know what I want and I’m not getting any younger here. 25 is so young, SO young. But I just wish I had things figured out a bit more right now, ya know?

If you’re younger than me, you probably agree with me. If you’re older than me, you might not see eye to eye with me in this situation. Or maybe you do. Every time I talk to someone older than me about how I’m feeling, their first response is always “Oh but you’re SO young”, or “You have so much time”. Which to an extent, yes, I do have a lot of time since “I’m only 25”. I’ve been lucky enough to wake up each day, healthy and alive, to chase after what I want in this life. But as I get older, things get more complicated, and that only makes it feel like I have less and less time on this earth.

I don’t know if anything I’m saying is resonating with you. I have no idea where you’re at in life, or what you want in the future, or if any of how I’m feeling applies to you. I can only hope that some of what I said is useful in letting you know that you aren’t alone if you’re struggling. Every day I wake up and I feel more and more lost not knowing the answers to these major questions I have in life and realizing that time is going 100 miles per hour. As a kid, I wanted to be older. To have the ability to do more things and have more freedom. Well, now I’m here, and uh.. it’s not all it’s cracked up to be.

I think the real issue at hand is I know what I want, but I’m scared to make it happen, or I don’t know how to yet. The fear lies in the unknown, and I’m too scared to conquer that.

Where is my dream place to live? New York City.

What do I want to do in life? Quit my corporate job and pursue SPatelProductions, HalfPastChai, and my own social media full-time.

When do we want kids? DO we want kids? I can’t answer that right now.

What’s my purpose in life? I wish I knew. What I think my purpose is, is this: to be a positive force, to love others, to share love, and exuberate warmth. To live every day to the fullest and be a source of reliability and wisdom. My hope is to share that with others through my presence online and through my relationships with others.

“Fear and anxiety many times indicates that we are moving in a positive direction, out of the safe confines of our comfort zone, and in the direction of our true purpose.” — Charles F. Glassman

Let that sink in. Do you have these major questions answered for your own life? Where are you at with your goals right now?

Have a wonderful start to your week, Half Past Crew. Catch ya on the flip side ✨

Some stuff from this weekend that makes me happy :)